I’ve never been afraid of dying; we are all making our way in that general direction, some faster than others, but at least it’s a certainty. What really keeps me up at night, tossing and turning in my bed, is being alive. Being alive, right now, on this planet, means I have to make choices–and that great abyss of unknown possibilities frightens me much more than the inevitability of death ever will.
I’ve put off applying for new jobs because I’m afraid of picking the wrong one. I’ve avoided grad school because I’m afraid of picking the wrong program. I’ve even avoided writing for months because I’m afraid of picking the wrong words. I realized this morning when I crumpled into a heap in my bathtub, shampoo and last night’s mascara running into my eyes, that I need to let go. Depression runs in my family, so over the years, I’ve often wondered if maybe I am depressed. The problem, though, is that I don’t feel sad. I don’t hate myself. I don’t feel like my life is hopeless. I am, however, completely and utterly terrified of making the wrong move. Maybe in 2014 it’ll be time to shake off my drunken haze, step out of the security of my bedroom, and fucking do something.
Here are 10 stupid things you should participate in when you have no ball in chain in the form of: your parents, your significant other, your room mate, your dog, your adopted child, ect.
10. Fill a water bottle with vodka.
This is a terrible idea which is why it is such a fantastic addition to the list. You wanna go for a walk in the park? Why not make that fuzzy little squirrel your friend as you skip down the path singing terrible renditions of miscellaneous show tunes. All the while you will be well hydrated. Who needs friends when you have vodka?
9. Dance in a grocery store when a song you like starts to play on the overhead radio.
Since high school you have promised yourself you would never let yourself get to this point again, ever. Seriously, you are going to listen to your high school self. Who cares if all your dignity is lost, YOLO.
8. Prank Call someone, anyone.
Is it April Fools Day my birthday, no kidding. You’re Bart Simpson. Prank call someone. The closer the person the funnier the result. Maybe you can make a video or maybe that person will hate you forever it’s the risk you must be willing to take.
7. Refrain from doing laundry.
See how long you can do it, it’s fun.
6. Collect something that is antiquated.
Cassette tapes, Pogs, neat looking glasses that you don’t drink out of, old keys, post cards from places you haven’t been. This is the time to be interested in things that don’t make sense because you don’t have anyone to explain it to.
5. Dye your hair a weird color.
You can’t even work at a gas station with a weird hair color. So unless you are a rock star,artist,free lance writer, or author you’re on the same scale as an applicant with a failed drug test. So while you have the chance just pretend your on summer vacay and wait to find your next job when you get laid off. You should dye your hair!! FB pic time ❤
4. Spend all your money on a vacation.
No one is keeping track of how you spend your money. Get a hotel in VA beach. Pay for a few friends. Have a ball. Spend all your tax return money…drinks on you.
3. Drive your car on E for way longer than you should.
This is the cheapest way to get a thrill. Will you make it home? Will someone ram into your bumper when your car slowly comes to a halt? Is there someone to pick you up if this happens? Maybe, maybe not you thrill seeker you.
2. Join a dating site.
Want to feel amazing and horrible at the same time? Join a dating site. Do this for the experiment of it all.
1. Get into a relationship.
The scariest thing you will ever do but now it’s time to grow up. If this relationship fails try again continue to be that stupid young optimist. Once you get into that relationship of yours let me know. I’ll make you a new list.
When a woman/man/feminist says it’s cool to be curvy the perspective is against a highly endorsed nip/tuck and photo shop Hollywood not girls/guys who work out every day and it is not supporting an obese lifestyle. The sentiment is merely that having a six pack isn’t what makes you beautiful or handsome. If you look at the photos below it is easy to see that being a regular day to day person is pretty cool and surprisingly attractive.
You are a female? You’re fat. It doesn’t really matter if you are 100 pounds or 200 pounds some chummy little chunk of a man (or woman for that matter) will find your imperfections. Welcome to America.
I am a feminist but not in the hairy arm pit sense of the word. I openly enjoy the liberties and free passes I get as a woman here in the states. I can cover pimples with concealer, complain and nag openly, cry while watching A Walk to Remember, fearlessly support gay rights, and most of all live a moderately hair-free life style.
There are injustices on both sides and I won’t even begin to show statistical evidence for this because intrinsically we all know it’s true. I will openly admit that for the sake of perspective I am only going to talk about what personal experience has led me to gripe about.
Diets, January is always the start of them. New Year, new you bullshit begins and you are stuck wondering how long will this last? How long will you be able to resist those bag of chips you bought for your “cheat day” or that strawberry ice cream that already feels cold and delicious on your tongue as you stare it? Well I am not sure about you but for me it’s a tough balance. Exercise is the way I can continue to lose weight and remain healthy usually calorie counting diets just don’t work for me, my life is too interesting *takes sip of a vodka cranberry*. Plus, it’s true exercise does release endorphins that make you happy and I subconsciously feel thinner each time.
Not nearly enough men have to worry about these types of things because once they have a girl hooked they can totally let themselves go. They are not the ones responsible for keeping the flame going the only thing they can be held responsible for is a warm spot at the computer chair when they leave to take a shit. Trust me that shit is not going to make their stomach smaller than their butt. You’re screwed you believer in love you lust-less creature stuck blogging about your inability to inspire your lovely ball of lazy.
I will spare you the repetitive impossibility of Photoshopped bodies speech but know this; when making a sex tape makes you one of the most lucrative women in the U.S. my general hope for the masses is lost. I am bombarded with the fact that we are all (men and women alike) buying into a porn-centric self-worth system.
The cooking has steamed up my glasses and not because I am actually slaving away in the kitchen quite the contrary; I am sitting lazy and unobservant feeling slightly enthralled and slightly annoyed. It must be the lack of time I have with them, yeah that must be it. Or maybe it could be that we have grown apart.
I like to nap after large meals, especially when different people I haven’t seen in years ask me the same five questions that they could easily have found the answer to on basic social media outlets.
Excuse my complaints. I adore the family I have that takes the time to get to know me and likewise. Otherwise it’s a forced acquaintanceship.
Hiding upstairs with my brother the background an abandoned Xbox video game. We joke and tease about things that no one else would find funny and laugh hysterically. We might be fucked up but we understand each other and that’s what makes family and that’s what makes everyone else really messed up, even the people who you are led to believe are a part of your bloodline.
Ugh this sounds so hateful, oh well.
I woke up from from a vodka induced coma at 3 in the afternoon and every word to this song was playing through my mind. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something when I listen to the lyrics, “This may never start tearing out my heart…lost all sense of fear/feelings disappear.” My jam from 8th grade has resurfaced and I have brought here for you.